i fail at blogging.

I will probably post something longer

after I finish these damned finals.

With pictures. To represent how my days have been as of late.

Let me give you a sneak peak description. They've been.... GREAT! Despite the sudden increase in the academic work load. I will post more regularly when I can STOP STUDYING!

Credit Hounds

How important is your credit? Is it worth even trying to get these past due hospital bills out of the way? Apparently the charity idea is out of the question... but my "charity liaison" (who I once considered my knight in shining armor) seems to be telling me otherwise. I think he might just be pulling my leg. I don't know whats going on. I can't help but feel incredibly helpless in this situation. Brings up all sort of unjust feelings. I should really be grateful for what I do have now. I shouldn't give a shit about my credit, right? Yet I find myself feeling like a victim and wishing that my dad was still alive.

Whenever issues like this come up in my life I find myself wishing he was alive. He was always the one to sort out these issues for me. I guess in a way I was a spoiled daddy's girl- who never learned about taxes, bills, credit. I feel like he'd be the one to do these things for me right now. He'd probably just sign a check over to the debt collectors, solving all my problems. He had this uncanny ability to solve them... even though he was just creating an endless amount of debt for himself.

I can't believe how much we used to spend as a family. We took financial security way beyond what it needed to be. I wish I could have that financial security now.

I can't help but feel angry that I'm in college having to pay everything for myself- its not like other kids don't do it. It's not like It's been like this all 4 years. But for some reason, even though I know this, I'm still so pissed off and upset. I can't help but compare my college experience with those of my older brothers- who were lucky enough to graduate when dad was still alive.

This year is just so hard for me. What with these hospital bills... tuition... rent... food... cell phone bills. What with my credit now being royally fucked due to these unpaid hospital bills. What is the importance of credit anyway? What does it really do for me?

I also can barely stand school and class anymore. I'm supposed to appreciate it, while I still can, but I can't. These days I can only appreciate the friends that college brings me. The atmosphere. I love Santa Cruz- the beach. I love the lifestyle. I can't stand the classes.

And it's so fucking impossible to get a job in Santa Cruz!

Part of me knows I'm not trying hard enough. But I also don't feel like I have the energy for it all.

I'm stuck in a rut. A nostalgic rut. Hoping for the dead to come alive. Hoping for bills to vanish. Hoping for the credit hounds to disappear, the monster of the future to turn into something promising. I'm tired of feeling insecure. Homeless.

Bah. I'm all over the place.

Ode to Mountain Biking

There's something amazing about flying through the forest on a bike.

Perhaps it's because it reminds us all about our Star Wars Fantasies; those speed racers that zoomed between the redwood groves in Return of the Jedi. I love the rush it gives me, when I'm standing up and leaning slightly forward, clenched and sturdy, as my bike shudders and rolls loosely over every gravelly and muddy ditch and bump. I love how I can feel the variation of the earth beneath me; I can feel my body sink into the feeling of a soft, smooth, sandy curve of a trail- loving every second of it's uninterrupted speedy bliss. It's the only time where I don't feel frumpy, short, or slow. The only thing that limits me are my fears. Most of the time, when I've let go of these fears, I'm rewarded with an adrenaline pulsing finish to that steep gravelly or twisty drop of a hill behind me.

I love the reward of a down after an up. I love smelling the forest in my skin afterwards, the contrast of the mud speckled on my skin. I love how reliable my bike is, a sexy metallic hardcore bitch who won't let anything get in her way. I can feel her yelling at me when I stop and decide to walk a part because I'm too scared. Every time I ride her she's yelling "Stop being a pussy! Who cares if you fall! Just give it a try!" I love the never ending contrast of the green canopies and their earthy red bottoms. When I'm biking through the forest, I'm biking through an oil painting of the trees and meadows. It all blurs past but burns awesome imprints in my mind. It pushes me forward, to see the next corner, and the next after that.

I love mountain biking.

For me, it's a new love. I'm still getting acquainted with these feelings. It's terrifying. I don't know my limits. I limit myself far too much. I have all these expectations. But, nonetheless, it's a love I now cherish- a blooming romance with my mountain bike and I.

Here is a video Chris took on the bike coops helmet cam (Austin, who came to town, is riding in front looking like a badass)... these are trails that are currently too hardcore for me! They look like so much fun!

This trail is called Magic Carpet

Tiramisu, Too Much Wine, Nausea

So, yesterday was a good day. I hung out with amiga Amy Cummings- we go way back (to middle school)- and we got drunk and made tiramisu. It was nauseating fun! We also attempted to play settlers of catan- Amy won. Beginners always win.

It's a cloudy slow windy sort of day. The sort of day you eat potstickers and curl up and watch a movie in. A couple movies maybe. I love the weekend. I love not feeling like I don't need to do anything. If I could get paid to do nothing- I'd do it. I know this doesnt sound abnormal- but a lot of people feel the need to do something for their salary- feel like they need to deserve it. I don't.

This may be a problem after I graduate...

A last note:

I need to get back into reading for fun; for some reason my reading for fun brain gets completely shut off during the school year- even if I have tons of free time. There are tons of books on my shelf, in my car, in some boxes, on my desk... that I keep collecting from places meaning to read and I never get around to it. Over the summer, one of my favorite feelings is selfishly indulging myself in a book and getting completely lost in it. While camping, Chris will go on some wild fishing adventure while I will set up nicely on a warm rock under some shade and read, read, and read. I miss it. I have nostalgic memories of living inside novels during some of my most homesick moments when I was living in Spain. What's stopping me from doing this now?

Happy

that I don't live on campus anymore. So nice to live next to the beach, to have a dog to walk on the beach, a kitchen to cook some real food in... and a shower that NEVER gets clogged by perverse means!

Anyway, I actually got work done today. Dexter was frustrated with me- but after the sun came out I went to the farmer's market and got some honey sticks. I truly love nature's sweet-ful productions: honey, apples, oranges, dates... mmm dates. Chris came home and we took Dexter to dog beach where he proceeded to lose all our balls. I'm going to have to bring a camera sometime and do a whole article dedicated to dog beach. I fall more and more in love with it every day.

Made Moussaka tonight. We didn't have eggplant- crucial. So I put in potatoes instead. Also, I put apple, broccoli, and carrots in the meat and spiced it up a little with cumin powder (on top of all that aromatic nutmeg)... needless to say, it was delicious.

Blog 1: A Rainy Day

Rainy days are perfect days to do nothing. Sometime it's productive nothings- like starting a blog. The irony in all this is that I didn't take full advantage of today....

Let me explain further:

Due to a stomach flue, or food poisoning, or whatever it is... mixed with this foul weather... I whole heartedly DID NOT pay attention to my sex and society class on Intersectionality, or whatever it was.

On top of this, I failed to go to my last belly dance class- the secret here is that, even though I was vomiting, occasionally and sporadically, the true reason I did not go to this class was pure insecurity.

What can I say? I was having a bad hair day?

No, it was just that the last day was the performance day- we were supposed to stuff our thick bumbling bodies into our petite teacher's extra costumes- and represent what we'd learned over the course of what... 9 classes? In summary, I felt far too inept at the dance to attempt such an activity.

So, I guess what I'm meaning to say is that I took this day for granted. Upon realizing this, however, I was inspired to start this blog. An attempt at daily blogging, an attempt at appreciate each day- no matter how boring it was.

Let me end with a note listing some of the things I did appreciate today:

Hang time with my friend Dani (I know her from going abroad in Spain)

Black soft furry kittens (and their "Pussy Pleaser" toys- can you believe they are actually named this?)

The rain being a good excuse for laziness

Netflix instant replay and a German movie about a kid with Autism

Chris loomis and his soup making abilities

Dexter, the cuddle muffin doggy