Credit Hounds

How important is your credit? Is it worth even trying to get these past due hospital bills out of the way? Apparently the charity idea is out of the question... but my "charity liaison" (who I once considered my knight in shining armor) seems to be telling me otherwise. I think he might just be pulling my leg. I don't know whats going on. I can't help but feel incredibly helpless in this situation. Brings up all sort of unjust feelings. I should really be grateful for what I do have now. I shouldn't give a shit about my credit, right? Yet I find myself feeling like a victim and wishing that my dad was still alive.

Whenever issues like this come up in my life I find myself wishing he was alive. He was always the one to sort out these issues for me. I guess in a way I was a spoiled daddy's girl- who never learned about taxes, bills, credit. I feel like he'd be the one to do these things for me right now. He'd probably just sign a check over to the debt collectors, solving all my problems. He had this uncanny ability to solve them... even though he was just creating an endless amount of debt for himself.

I can't believe how much we used to spend as a family. We took financial security way beyond what it needed to be. I wish I could have that financial security now.

I can't help but feel angry that I'm in college having to pay everything for myself- its not like other kids don't do it. It's not like It's been like this all 4 years. But for some reason, even though I know this, I'm still so pissed off and upset. I can't help but compare my college experience with those of my older brothers- who were lucky enough to graduate when dad was still alive.

This year is just so hard for me. What with these hospital bills... tuition... rent... food... cell phone bills. What with my credit now being royally fucked due to these unpaid hospital bills. What is the importance of credit anyway? What does it really do for me?

I also can barely stand school and class anymore. I'm supposed to appreciate it, while I still can, but I can't. These days I can only appreciate the friends that college brings me. The atmosphere. I love Santa Cruz- the beach. I love the lifestyle. I can't stand the classes.

And it's so fucking impossible to get a job in Santa Cruz!

Part of me knows I'm not trying hard enough. But I also don't feel like I have the energy for it all.

I'm stuck in a rut. A nostalgic rut. Hoping for the dead to come alive. Hoping for bills to vanish. Hoping for the credit hounds to disappear, the monster of the future to turn into something promising. I'm tired of feeling insecure. Homeless.

Bah. I'm all over the place.